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Friends
Jan. 8th, 2010
02:35 am - thursday
I fell beneath the wheels
bloody and broken, a mouth full of mud
No hands were extended
not a single soul in sight
Well another day in this skin. Another day where I can't remember why I am here. I find things and peopkle so absurd lately. somedays I feel like running around punching people in the mouth all day. It feels like no one can really see me or relate to me. Some days it feels liek the only time anybody wants me around is when I can be useful to them. it feels like people think i have no feelings. Like it doesn't matter if something puts me out because it is just Jody. I feel taken advantage of and shunted off to the side. I want to blow this popsicle stand...blow it up and say fuck you all I want to think about me for one day. I don't care if your friends live in timbukto. I don't care about your precious crap and your stupid life.
It feels liek all the same crap all the time over and over...I sometimes I could just wipe and get off the pot already...
and now I have lost my best friend. I can no longer drink without becoming really sick..it was the one thing that kept me sane. Of course it would occasionally kick my feet out from under me and beat the hell out of me. I could always fallback on it though. See comfort in dizzy oblivion. Now I am drifitng with little outlet for my insanity...
I think I can't keep it going for much longer. It is strange to recognize that and to be so helpless in the face of it.
Jan. 6th, 2010
02:20 am - tuesday
Well I am all alone right now...and listening to bob dylan. It is all kind of depressing really. Do you think it is odd for two people of opposite sex to hang out all the time together to go to a differnt city just to visit and talk on the phone all the time...to want to just hang out with that person when you are drunk rather than the one you are dating. Sopmetimes I am filled with doubt and fear and I have no where to go with it. Sometimes i feel like I am sleeping all the time. Burried beneath a blanket that clouds my senses and dulls my feelings. I don't know how to wake up. There are days when I feel like running any where. The odd thing is I have no idea what I would be running from. It is like everything I am is choking me, taking my breath away. A fish on the floor. Sometimes i feel burnt out from life...like I need a holiday from being me. I want to be lost. I want to dance in the middle of no where with no memory of anything, of you, me, or the very life I hold dear. Sometimes I burn with a desire to be no one. Other tiems I burn with the need to feel desire, to feel loved and and like to someone, to one person I am everything they need. Maybe somedays i wish that person was me. w